Cassandra Lee's Place

Okay so it's been awile...

Hmm what to say?

Oooh I know! I just watched Austrailia for the first time last night and Hugh was HOT. I liked it!

I started homeschooling my three year old daughter. She is so smart! We only do three pages a day that involve coloring, counting and sounds. I'm going to add Flash cards soon.

Isabella now has six teeth and is standing up by herself for short periods of time. She is getting so big and is so beautiful. She's my little Bella Boo.

Jamie and I are doing great. We had our fourth anniversary on Sept. 16th. He took me to eat sushi and to see a movie. Then we rented a hotel room...hehe it was fun.p


I started writing a Twilight fic. It's been fun. That fandom is soooo huge.


Till next folks!

Love and hugs
Cassandra

I miss how everyone in the W/R fandom is so close but the Twilight fandom is another story altogether. It is HUGE! I can't find a beta that will get down on the personal level, yet there are a ton of people out there. ugh. I getting dishearten and all I wanna do is get this fic posted on a certain website!

I can't decided it I liked it or not!

Cut for ( SPOILERS )

Okay so my big girl, Kayla is turning three tomorrow! OMG! I can't believe it. She is such a big girl and so funny. We are renting on those space walk jumping things for her birthday party.

I bought my Harry Potter tickets early so I can't wait for that. It will be the first "date" my husband and I have had since we moved last month. It will be much needed! I love my babies but I need a break....and a date! haha.

Trying to put my family on a budget. Anyone have any good ideas? It's hard being a family of four on a single income. I'm thinking about selling Pampered Chef or something like that in order to bring in a little extra cash. If you have any STAY AT HOME mom jobs suggestions let me know.

I must mention that I'm addicted to Twilight FanFiction and I'm working on my own little piece. I haven't written in a LONG time. I really only read All-human twilight fio, for some reason I can't bring myself to read about vampires in the fanfic world because the original was so good to me. I'd like to recommend a story for you guys if you're interested. Something you should know is that in the TwiFandom they call smut, Lemons. When I first started reading I was like what in the world is with the word Lemon!? I caught on fast.

The Submissive by tara sue me, is explosive and smut filled and unlike anything that I have seen. it is a D/s fic and really introduced me and whole bunch of other women in the fandom to a different type of sex life. Trust me when I say its worth reading even if you are not interested in the fandom. Here is the authors summary:

Can Bella Swan warm and win the heart of dom, Edward Cullen, while living out her darkest fantasy? ADULT THEMES. AH, OOC.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4764216/1/The_Submissive

Well things are going as well as can be expected. Jamie and I decided that even though the affair happened in Indiana and not anywhere near our house in Mississippi that we needed a change of scenery. We moved. We now have a little apartment (I love apartments!) in Marion which is 5 seconds from Meridian. It's so cute and we were able to layout our furniture and decorate whereas we weren't quite able to do that in our old house (weird floor plan). When we moved Jamie threw anything and everything away that had to with him being in Indiana/Nebraska. Fine by me, even though it doesn't take my thoughts away. I'm seeking counseling on that. I've learned that writing helps. ha! I should have know that from the start.

Jamie and I really are doing better. You know I truly didn't realize that we had drifted so far apart in the last year or so. Not just on his end but on my end also. Don't think I'm saying this is all my fault because its not, but I do believe that I pulled myself away from my husband and sort of pushed him away. I became so observed in some of my own issues that I didn't realize he was sinking into depression. In return, he's learned to communicate better with me about his feelings instead of "being a man" and keeping everything closed in and I'm learning to listen, truly listen and not blow him off.

It's funny that when people hear of our story most of the women just look at me and say, "I don't see how you do it. If that had been my husband his butt would be out the door and on the street and I wouldn't take him back!" While I would never wish this on my worst enemy, and some people probably wouldn't be able to handle it because it is HARD, but I honestly believe that if you truly love someone then you can forgive them. If not, then it would seem it wasn't real love in the first place. That's just me though.

Don't get me wrong. I am pissed. I'd like to think that huzzy can't sleep at night wondering whether or not she destroyed the lives of a woman and her two young children. I hope every time she hears Miranda Lamberts "More like her" that she feels like shit knowing that she wasn't me, could never be like me and that I AM better than her. After hearing how crazy that chick really is by other people I hope it comes around on her ten fold. She better be glad that I didn't sue her for alienation of affection.

Anyways I'm done with that rant. On to lighter things. I'm thinking about writing some twilight Fanfic....anyone read in that fandom?

Long story short, my husband had an affair. A lot of crap has been happening since February. I started noticing a number on the phone bill. He told they were just friends, she told me the same thing. But none of the signs added up and I just that they had slept together. But what could I do? I had no proof so I let it go and moved forward. Jamie's job ended so he left that town and I thought I could let it go. (It wasn't that easy...a lot stuff happened and we almost got a divorce.)

But I kept having that nagging feeling that he wasn't telling me the truth. He never even truly apologized for lying to me about a lot things and if I tried to talk about it he would get angry. So I called her and asked her for the truth. She told they had been sleeping together since September and that she miscarried his child, that he said he loved her, she stayed with him for a few days while he was in Nebraska, he flew from Nebraska to Indiana for her birthday, that he sent her flowers for her birthday. That they got matching tattoos. She ended up being psycho literally so we had to change our phone numbers

Yet he still denied everything. So I sat him down and told them that I couldn't let this go until I told him that I forgive him for not telling me about her. I forgive him for when he wouln't stop talking to her when I asked. And I that I forgive him for the things that happened that I still didn't know about.

And we moved on. It's been great. We've talked better with each other, our sex life improved, we started to really enjoy each other again. Something we haven't done in a long time even before he started working in Indiana. But I still felt like I was the one that was being punished for someone else mistake. That was in March. We were split up for most of February.


Four Days ago we where driving home from some friends house when he grabbed my hand and told me that he loved me. Something in his voice told me that something was wrong so I looked up and smiled. His eyes were red and he looked as though he had been crying since we got in the truck.

He told me that he had something to tell me and it was very hard. Of course I knew what it was, so I just told him that I needed to hear him say it. And he admitted that he did have an affair. That he was truly sorry. He said that he had reached a low point and gave into temptation. He started working and got the taste of being single again had a moment of weakness. He told me that it meant nothing and that when he realized that he had messed up and wanted to make things right with me that she started threatening him. He didn't want me to know so he kept seeing her because she had threaten to fly here and show up at my house. My husband ended up having a fatal attraction affair. He told me that a lot of things that she told me was not the truth but that they did sleep together. He was very adamant that she never miscarried his child. But that did visit each other while he was in Nebraska.


I started crying and told him that I always knew that he had really did have an affair and that it does hurt, but that it finally felt like all the pieces of the puzzle fit and that made me feel better. Then the anger set in...not about the affair because I was already kind of over that but that fact that he made me feel like I was crazy for even thinking that for the last four months. He made me look stupid in front of so many of our friends and family.

I can't describe how it felt to hear him admit to it, and finally get the apology that I deserved. When I drove up to Indiana to confront him about the phone records he let me walk away think that he wanted to divorce me for something that he had done. He explained that he did that because he felt its was best for me to move on because he didn't deserve me anymore.

We stayed up till 4 o'clock in the morning just talking, crying, and getting things right and back on track. Now when I get in the morning its like waking up to a brand new man. He treats me totally different, and loves me the way I should be loved. And it's not like he's just trying to make up for the last nine months but that he genuinly realizes what he could have lost and is treating me with a new found respect.


Now the question is, how do I move forward with myself? Even though he says it meant nothing and that I'm truly what he wants, and that now when looks at me he see a beautiful woman on the inside and out. How do let go of those little thoughts where I want to compare myself to her? Am I better at sex than she is? I've had two kids, how can he find my body attractive compared to hers? Does he ever wish that I do something the way she did? Those kind of questions are in my head now.

Help anyone?

I don't know if this has ever been posted or not but I thought I'd come out of hiding to show all my Wolvie buddies out there.

So I had a baby on Nov. 24th. Isabella Nichole was 9lbs and 1oz. She's a sweet baby. My first child was such a good baby that I was afraid this one was going to be horrible. But so far she's sleeping through the night and doesn't cry very often so I have been blessed! I'll post a picture soon.


And how about that Wolverine trailer? You wanna know what my favorite part is? All of Wolverine's flowing hair motion as he moves around. Watch it as he fighting Sabretooth. Its nice.

I'm not sure if this goes for everyone but you know there is always that one movie that turns a normal girl into a fan-girl. I would have thought that for me it was X-Men. That is until I saw something today that made me remember what it felt like to be a 13 year old girl who started lusting after a celebrity. It would not be until years later that I realized I was really lusting after the FICITONAL CHARACTER and not the person acting the part.

For me it all started on a Spring day in 1997 when I skipped school and ordered a movie on pay-per-view at my grandmothers. Without permission.



I was hooked. This led me to Titanic. Which then led me to Pearl Harbor and so on.......


But there will be nothing like all the pictures I put on the wall of Leonardo DiCaprio. *sigh* Those were the golden days.

Okay, I know that I've been gone for a looong time, but I finally go my computer back after it's little down fall and I'm ready to be back online.

There has been A LOT of things going on in life since I've been away and I'm not sure if I have the patience to write about all of it. I'm going to try and give a short version of each topic.

When my computer crashed I took it to a repair man and told him that if the is anyway possible please save all my pictures and WRFF file (my Stories that I've written). Well, he said he saved them but when I got computer back they were not on there. I called and he said that he still had the disk, so I'm going to get them today.


On Labor Day Weekend my husband came home and told me that he didn't love me anymore and that he just wasn't happy. Okay. I'm 7mo pregnant, no job, and husband who wants to leave me. AND HE WANTS TO SAY HE"S NOT HAPPY. WTF? SO I gave him his space that day. We cried together and talked about what needed to be done. It was really surreal, I felt like I was walking in a daze the whole day. His mother was not happy when he went to tell her and basically told him to leave her house. She called him a dumbass. She even asked if he was cheating on me while he's been working in Indiana. He said no. I really believe that. I honestly don't think that he would ever do that to me.

Anyways, I gave him space that night (Saturday) and he kept trying to get me out of the house since Kayla went to stay with my dad. I told him that I couldn't be around a bunch of people and pretend like everything is okay, so I went home and went to bed. I woke up just before dawn and watched him sleep for a little bit. I lost it then. I started crying hard. I jump in the shower to cover the sound of my sobs, so I wouldn't wake him. Then I got dressed quickly and left the house. I decided I needed to clean my car out. I do that when I'm upset. I clean. So I went to the SuperStop down the road and cleaned the trash out of my car. It was daylight by the time I got through so I took a ride around the lake and smoked a cigarette.

When I drove by his mom's house I saw that she was out on her front porch so I stopped. We sat there for a while and talked, cried, smoked, cried. Then we heard Jamie's truck come down the road and I watched him get out of the truck. He didn't even have shirt on. Diane said that she really didn't want to talk to him know so I went to stop him from walking on to the porch. He asked me where I'd been and why did I leave my phone at home. I didn't realize that I had left it. Then he asked me why his mom wouldn't answer her phone. I told him that she was upset and didn't feel like talking so we went back to our house. Later on I was going to the grocery store before I had to pick up Kayla and Jamie said he wanted to go with me. As we are driving, every DAMN song that comes on the radio relates to our FUCKED up situation and I start crying again.

Jamie turns the radio off and then suddenly jerks his truck off the road. I thought we were having a wreck. He looks me in the eye and starts to confess all the shit that's going through his head. Everything is building up and the weight of the world is on his shoulders and for some reason he thought this would be for the best. All I could do was stare at him. I wanted to hit him, yell at him, call him Fucked UP MOTHER FUCKER for what he'd put me through for the last two days. But then he gave me something very sweet, my own personal movie moment, something you only read about in books or fanfiction. He grabbed my face with both his hands and kissed me very gently and told me that he did love me. Kiss. He doesn't want me to leave. Kiss. He wants to be a family again. Kiss. That as soon as I have this baby he wants me and Kayla to move to Indiana with him. Kiss. That he does love me. Kiss.

He puts his hands down and watches me. Waiting for me to say something. I wipe my eyes, sniffle. Then I raise my eyebrow and point my finger at him, "Jamie Navaro Johnson, don't you ever do that shit to me again!" I let him have it. He, naturally, just smirks at me like he always does when I get fired up. When I'm done yelling out all the pent up frustration I've had for two days, he leans over and kisses me again. Then we start driving again. We talk about everything. We start talking in way that we have talked in 2 years. It's great. And I can even tell a difference in our conversations on the phone while he's in Indiana. It's been great and we're still working on some issues but everything is good.

Okay so maybe that wasn't the short version but I needed to get it out. There still more to write about but I don't feel like now. I'll talk about it later. I'VE MISSED YOU GUYS!!

Cassandra

My computer has been attacked by spyware! I can't do anything without ten programs popping up. I hope to be back online soon!

Yay! The teaser trailer is up! It's really good and little Tom Riddle looks evil!

I laying here in bed watching re-runs on Nick at Nite and they are all starting to look the same to me. You know the family sitcoms such as; Home Improvement, Family Matters, According to Jim; George Lopez Show, etc.

I've noticed that these shows have one thing in common. The husband and wife always go to bed together. Weird, I know. I'm having a weird moment. Blame the hormones.

But what I can't help thinking is, does this mean that my husband (Jamie) and I have what most would call a weird relationship?

Jamie has to work out of town in order to make money that is decent for to live right now. And its pretty safe to say that he lives in another state at the moment. He has an apartment, receives mail, yada yada. He comes home every two weeks for the weekend only. He left this past Monday and I won't get to see him for another three weeks this time, but I'm going back with him and staying for a little while. With his Job, no contract is permnant so it wouldn't be wise to sell our house and move everytime his company gets a new contract. And with me being pregnant I really don't want to move away from Family until I have this baby. So that's what is keeping me from going and staying with him indefintly. No matter how long a contract last we will never sell our house because we consider Meridian our 'home' and we will always come back to it, its our foundation.


So I guess my question is...

Is it weird that my husband and I live under different roofs, in different states, due to circumstances?


It doesn't bother me a whole lot. I mean I have moments where it's like "Damn, I wish was here." A friend of mine told me other day that she doesn't see how I do it, that there is no way in hell she could be married to someone that has to work so far away. I guess the way she said it made me kind of think twice about it. I ended up having to re-evaluate my relationship with my husband after that conversation and it has erked me the wrong way.

So now all I can think about is: Will this be healthy for us in the long run? Is it damaging our relationship and we don't realize it? Will we ever get our loans, debt, etc paid off to where he can take a lower paying job here in Meridian? How are these other people making it work (living and working here) and we can't? Are we just that BAD with managing our money?

And then the totally horrible thoughts enter my head and my brain starts rambling:

What if he's cheating on me while he's up there? I don't believe that, I trust Jamie with all my heart. But what if I'm that woman that trust with everything she has and turns out to be naive? I haven't seen any signs of him cheating and I know he loves me. But what if I'm to dumb to see the signs.

I hate second guessing myself.


I started working for my dad a few nights a week so I can earn some extra cash and help us get some of bills paid. Back in March when I quit my job, we were doing great and I was ablt to quit work without harming us. Then he lost his job in May and although he started working again in June that time period CRUSHED is finaically.

But there is a light at the end of tunnel, I know it. We just have to walk a little further than we hoped.

So my sister called me a name theif. I called her a bitch. She insisted that I knew she wanted to name her little girl Addison after her husband's grandmother and her grandmother (we're half-sisters). I didn't know it so I told her not to call me a liar and she can keep the damn name. Then I hung up on her. I was about to say something very, very rude. My sister had trouble getting pregnant with her first (and only) child. So I was about to tell that I hope she actually gets to use the name Addison but I refrained my self. She's not pregnant much less in anyway having a girl. But still she called me a name theif. ugh.

So we changed the name! We went with our second choice: Isabella Nichole.

I stole Isabella from the Twilight Series. I couldn't help it, I'm obessed. Nichole is the middle name of my best friend Monica. I happy with the change.



I made up with my sister though I can't help she was a wee bit childish about the whole thing and she's 8 yrs older than me.


Later,

Cassandra

Okay I think I have picked out a name and Jamie agrees with me. But you never know it could change....

We have been going through a great debate because every name I had he would turn down. I mean I suggested: Ava, Anna, Riley, Austin, Lane, Isabella (for my new twilight fetish), Harley, etc.



Addison Nichole Johnson

Its still a unisex name and that's what I wanted. I like when girls have boyish names, although Addison has begun to leave the male gender name list. So what do ya'll think?


And I just want everyone on my flist to know that I have been replying to your comments but for some reason they are not showing up. I don't know if its LJ or my Computer screwing up.

Hugs,
Cassandra

GIRL! yay. I'm so excited. Now comes the hard part....NAMES.

Any suggestions?

I get an unltrsound tomorrow and I want to see what ya'll think that I will have. Here are some similarties/differrences between this pregnancy and my first.

Differences:
I was sick at least once everyday with my first and I haven't been sick but a handful of times with this one.
I gained 30 lbs by my 20th week with the first one, but only 5lbs so far with this one.
I lost my sex drive with the first one and with this one I want sex all the time.
I was VERY bitchy with my first, and I've been pretty mellow with this one.

Similarties:
I'm tired alot with both.
My husband had dream that we were having a girl with the first the night before we had Kayla's ultrasound. He had a dream last night that we were having a girl with this one also,
although it was not the night before.
I've gone through a severe house cleaning phase were I throw everything away. Even if we still might use it.

So what do yall think?






Poll #1223430 boy/girl
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 7

Am I having a boy or a girl?

I go and by this book called Twilight that I've been hearing about. And OMG! I really hate doing this when I read but I literally opened the book at 8:00 pm and did not put it down until 3 am.
I am so totally in love with character Edward Cullen that in the little sleep that I did get I dreamed about a pale skinned, beautiful boy that took me for a run on his back. hehe.


Unless I am the last poor soul on earth to buy this book and everyone on flist has it all ready, YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK.


And to top it all off they are making a movie about the book!!!

I'm going to town to buy the sequels......

Did I mention that I'm officially a stay at home mom now? Yep that's me. We decided to take Kayla out of daycare because we could not longer afford it. It's been going well so far it's just now I have to cook, a lot. :) And I have to entertain my little girl.

Does anyone have any ideas on what could be fun and safe for a 2 year old to do? Like crafts and projects?

Also, does anyone have any recipes that would be easy? I'm not all that good with cooking but I can follow instructions. I would love to become an expert cook because I think its fun but I just haven't done it a lot in the past. I did grow up with my dad who owned a restuarant so we never cooked!

I'll post my recipes tomorrow!

Cassandra

I think my feet are swelling and they hurt like hell. I'm kinda worried because I don't think my feet should be swelling at this point. I'm 20 weeks so I'm really going to have to watch the salt.

We had my daughter's 2 yr birthday party this weekend. It was great! We did a mickey mouse theme. She loves Disney Characters. The only thing is my grandmother is the only one with a camera and there is no telling how those pictures will turn out. :( But we did film it on our video camera.

My mother-in-law gave Kayla a toddler bed for her birthday. We put it together last night and rearranged the room. Kayla is going to have to share a room with the new baby until we can add on to our house (years from now). She slept good it in but somehow fell out of the bed even though it has rails and woke up last night.

I'm trying to get her to take a nap in it right now and but I think I hear her playing instead. *smile* Well I better go and check on her.


Cassandra